I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
