I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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