I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
They have beer where we have blood.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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