threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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