i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
