Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
