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Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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