I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
