so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
