i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
