i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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