Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
