I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
