They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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