He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
