I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
