Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
