I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
