I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
