Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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