Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
