I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
