The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
