Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
