i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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