Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You made out with two different species that night
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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