Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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