We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
