Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
