she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
