I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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