I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
