Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
