PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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