I wish my penis had an off switch
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
