What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
