You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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