I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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