Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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