so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
