i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
