Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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