I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
