I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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