I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
