Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
