someone owes me an orgasm
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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