There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
