Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fill condoms, not promises.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
