how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
