I need to stop coming to work sober
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
